Definition of Stop…

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy.

The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he's sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not, you let me go and don't give me a ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

For the Golfers Out There

A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered"
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A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, what are you going to use on this hole my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says," I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
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An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, h e played a "Mulligan" which was an extremely good one. He then asked the Scot, "What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?"

We call it hitting 3."
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Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective! Asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times, just put me down for a five."
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A golfer gets up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; th e ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer", to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
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The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"?
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

How Many Cows?

A West Texas cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" You're a Congressman for the U.S. government" says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows........

Now give me back my dog."

The $2 Bill

Who knows if this happened, but I can surely understand that it could.

Ha ha Worth the read. It does take a "mature" person to even understand this
one.

It's like I wonder how long it would take us to get our food if they had to use the old fashioned cash registers where they had to figure out the right change back!!


The $2 Bill. Everyone should start carrying them!

I am STILL laughing!! I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public. The younger generation doesn't know they exist.

On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go."
Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"
Me: "No, it's to go." At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:
Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
Manager: "No. A what?"
Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."
Server: "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"

Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
Server: "I don't know."
Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"
Server: "Yeah."
Me: "So, why won't you take it?"
Server: "Well, hang on a sec."
He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, "He says I have to take it."
Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change
"
Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."
Server: "What should I do?"
Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."
Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."
Manager: "Just tell him."
Server: "No way! This is weird. I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night."

Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."
Manager: "We don't take those, either."
Me: "Why not?"
Manager: "I think you know why."
Me: "No really, tell me why."
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "What on earth for?"
Manager: "Please, sir."
Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
Manager: "Would you please just leave?"
Me: "No."
Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."
Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"

Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money."
Guard: "No kidding! What?"
Manager: "Get this . a two dollar bill."
Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty."
Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!"
Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is."
Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
Guard: "Yeah."

Security Guard walks over to me and......

Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."

Me: "Uh, no."

Guard: "Lemme see 'em."

Me: "Why?"

Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat, so I say "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, "Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"

Manager: "It's fake."

Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."

Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."

Guard: "Yeah?"

Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue.

So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I couldprobably end up in jail. You get free food there, too!

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, mom, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying "Ever since your mom came to dinner, I've been unable to find that beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom:

I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email from his mother that read:

Dear Son:

"I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!

Never tick off a nurse

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, Crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out!

He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

Boys Do Listen To Their Mothers

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out. While waiting, the little boy gets bored, and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want.

"What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO," he cries, "you got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No, I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON"T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies," Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

In the Hospital - Room 302

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a family member is doing better."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Are you a family member?"

"Yes, Yes I am.."


"Hold on.. let me look at her records... Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine. She is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, looks like Dr. Cohen is going to send her home very soon!"


The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful >news!"


The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a sister or perhaps an aunt..?"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302!.. and NOBODY here ever tells me shit!!"

ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE

It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes. And there are unisex jokes.

Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as all men will).


Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered ! to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 ...... on one condition."
(There are always conditions)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

Then he replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (controlling, huh?)

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said....
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"Clean my house."

Final thought on life

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.


Bitch...

RETIREE

And they ask why I like retirement....??????

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.


Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Relate to some of them?


AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to....

The Jewish Pleasures

An older Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. They soon discover that no matter what he does, the wife never achieves a climax.

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and says, "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on a climax"

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "Let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming climax.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says triumphantly, "You see, you young schmuck?
THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the
dice. She said "I hope you don't mind, but i feel luckier when I'm
completely nude". With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
dice and yelled "Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes".

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and sqealed YES!
YES! I WON! I WON! She hugged each of the dealers then picked up her
winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them
asked "What did she roll". The other answered "I don't know - I thought
you were watching.



MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb. But all men are.

Truisms.

1. Can you cry under water?

2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky
dunk."

3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered to
be assassinated instead of just murdered?

4. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a penny
for your thoughts"? Who's been pocketing that extra penny?

6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?

7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake
up like every two hours?

10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing'?

11. Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

12. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

13. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for
Miss America?

14. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up
in the first place!

16. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

17. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you
haven't fallen asleep yet.

18. Just remember.... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

19. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they
can in prison?

20. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have
started with something called labour!

21. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Mafia Godfather

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten
million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an
occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since
it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything
he'd ever have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to
shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings
along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the
bookkeeper:

"Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10
million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what
you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts
it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you
don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is
in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger."

In the beginning..........

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and
spinach, combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables.
He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Whip and Peter's Ice
Cream. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said,
"Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one too . . . with sprinkles."

And lo and behold, they gained 10 pounds.

And so God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the
figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the
cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."

And Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic toast on
the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil
in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep-fried squid rings, butter-dipped lobster
chunks, and fried chicken so big it needed its own platter. And Man's
cholesterol sharply increased.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy centre into
chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of
salt.

And Man packed on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose
those extra pounds.

And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have
to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before
the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger.

Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And Man replied: "Yes! And
super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man and Woman went into
cardiac arrest.

God sighed. . and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

Satan chuckled and created The South Australian* Public Health System

*Insert your state/country as necessary

Bravery?

True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out
with the boys.....

Then.....being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the
guts to ask:

"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer:

An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is posted by an Australian,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization

Get thee to a..............

Aptitude Test

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one .. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator because you just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay-even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it's inhabited by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump in and swim across! Haven't you been listening?

All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got correct answers. Anderson says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

Thank you for shopping @ Woolies.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworths. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." Thank you for shopping @ Woolies.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Woolies, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the
following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer (1st
floor)

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Woolies.

Birds & Bees

Bobby says: Daddy, how was I born?

Dad says: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:

You've Got Male!

The gospel according to..............

It's a Man's Wrold???

Guess who typed in the title?

Enjoy!

Easter Greeting

The Burglar

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you"

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."

"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

Golf

There was a ladies golf tournament on. One of the players hit a bad shot off into the rough and had to make a difficult shot back out of a patch of brush to get back onto the fairway.

The player ends up straddling a small shrub to get the correct angle for the shot and the female announcer says, "This will be an extremely difficult shot for her with that bush between her legs."

You hear a strangled, choking noise from the male announcer (who probably still thanks his lucky stars today that he was off-camera); the female announcer then repeats, "Yes, a very difficult shot with that bush between her legs."

You then hear this from the male announcer, "Snort...snort...gasp...brahahahahahah!"

How to prevent being dragged along on shopping trips!!!

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.

Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally Underpants
President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department

MEMO
Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in House wares..... And watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Ducks in Heaven

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she

lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened

to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly

and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The

distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?”Yes, I am sure. The duck is

dead," he replied. “How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean,

you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a

coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the

room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind

legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the

duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook

his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few

moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also

sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on

its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the

room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I

said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and

produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner,

still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my

duck is dead!!

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill

would have been $20 but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's

now $150.00.

=================

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road

=================


=================

And if you had a 3 inch floppy .


. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out! 

Some Old.... Some New.....

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

_____

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

_____

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

_____

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man,

"Can you name your wife's favourite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Its Pillsbury isn't it?

_____

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause its sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

_____

WIFE VS HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

_____

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man’s 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

_____

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

_____

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

_____

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM. "He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,

when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

_____

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Immigration

Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration.

The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test, unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready." The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works at Telstra, perhaps you have spoken to him?

What do retired people do all day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So I called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

Turner Brown

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,

"Turn around"!

Aunty Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

“What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too, but we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'." That was a fine story Emily. Mick, do you have a story to share?" "Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f*** away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss"