How Now Blue Cow

The place I post funnies, so they can be deleted from my email.....

Wednesday, March 28, 2007


Four very old retired Navy geezers came into the Army-Navy Club pro shop in Arlington, Virginia after playing 18 holes of golf. They were a bit exhausted. The pro asked, "Did you gents have a good game today?"

The first old feller said, "Oh, I had three riders today."

The second bent over guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."

The third old man said, "I did about the same. I had 7 riders, the same as last time."

The last ancient sport said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today. Aren't you fellers proud of me?"

After they went into the men's locker room, an elderly lady club member that had heard the old gents telling of their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf here for 40 years and thought I knew all the terminology of the game,..... But what in the world is a rider?"

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."

Monday, March 26, 2007

Classic Little Johnny Story Is Making The Rounds Again

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears," he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When they got there, and little Johnny looked in the crib, he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes."

"Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.
"Yes," the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great," said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be shit outta luck if he needed glasses."


Sunday, March 25, 2007

Funny & Short

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked out seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.



Friday, March 23, 2007

The Virtues of Government

> 1. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were
> a member of Congress, but then I repeat myself.
> ---Mark Twain
> 2. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity
> is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by
> the handle.
> ---Winston Churchill
> 3. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support from Paul.
> ----George Bernard Shaw
> 4. Democracy must be something more than two wolves
> and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
> ---James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
> 5. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor
> people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
> ---Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown
> University
> 6. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
> ---P. J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
> 7. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors
> to live at the expense of everybody else.
> ---Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
> 8. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
> ---Ronald Reagan (1986)
> 9. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the
> facts.
> ---Will Rogers
> 10. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see
> what it costs when it's free.
> ---P. J. O'Rourke
> 11. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much
> money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to
> the other.
> ---Voltaire (1764)
> 12. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the
> blessings.The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal
> sharing of misery.
> ---Winston Churchill
> 13. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
> ---Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
> 14. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is
> strong enough to take everything you have.
> ---Thomas Jefferson

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Onestone ... The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone." So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?

OH, come on . take a guess!

Think about it

(You're going to love this!)

And the moral is:
"You can't kill two birds with one stone!"


Friday, March 16, 2007

Not “the sharpest knife in the drawer”

Chris, a friend of mine, sent me a list of other descriptive phrases that might also apply.

The wheel’s spinning but the hamster’s asleep.
He does not have all his dogs on the same leash.
He doesn’t have his belt through all the loops.
His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
All booster, no payload.
He sold his car for gas money.
When he saw the sign “Airport Left” he turned around and went home.
When he heard 90 percent of all crimes occur in the home, he moved.
He stole a car and kept up the payments.
He went to the movies and they said “Under 17 not admitted”, so he went home and got 16 friends.


Saturday, March 10, 2007

A short joke...........

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the &*$)@ out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."


Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Two Very Old Friends

Two very elderly friends, Harv and Jack, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Jack didn't show up, Harv didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such.

But after Jack hadn't shown up for a week or so Harv really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Harv couldn't remember where Jack lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month passed and Harv figured old Jack had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Harv approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Jack ! Harv was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Jack, what happened to you???"

Jack replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail???," cried Harv ! "What in the world for???"

"Well," Jack said, "You know Sue, that cute little blond waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"

"Yeah" said Harv, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think an old Geezer like me could still do, that when I got into court, I plead 'Guilty'. The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."