Wee Russian Wumman

This is GOOD

A Russian woman married a Scottish gentleman and they lived happily

ever after in Aberdeen ...

However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did

manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose

whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She

didn ' t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation,

clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn ' t know

how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her

blouse to show the butcher her cleavage.

The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find

a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down)

....What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English.

Now get back to your emails. I don ' t know about you sometimes!

US MILITARY LANGUAGE CONVERSION CHART

NAVY / USMC	ARMY	AIR FORCE
Head	Latrine	Powder Room
Rack	Bunk	Single with ruffle and duvet
Mess Deck / Chow Hall	Mess Hall / Mess Tent	Dining Facility or 'The Cafe'
"Cookie", stew burner	Spoon/Cook	Contract Chef
Coffee / Mud	Cup of Joe	Vanilla Skim Latte'
Bug Juice	Kool-Aid	Shirley Temple
Utilities / Digitals	BDUs / ACUs	Casual Wear
Seaman / Private	Private	Bobby / Jimmy
Chief / Gunny	Sergeant	Bob / Jim
Captain / Skipper	Colonel/Sir/Ma'm	Robert / James
Captain's Mast	Article 15	Time Out
Berthing / Barracks	Open-bay Barracks	Apartment
Skivvies / U-Trau	Underwear	Panties
Brig	Confinement	Grounded
Zoom Bag	Flight Suit	Business Casual
Cover / Head Gear	Beret/Lid	Optional
Ship's Store / NEX	PX Trailer	AAFES Shopping Mall
TAD	TDY	Paid Vacation
Cruise / Afloat	Deploy	Huh?
Ground Grabbers	Athletic Shoes	Flip-Flops
Run	Sprint	Ride
Shipmate / Marine	Battle Buddy	Don't Ask, Don't Tell or Honey
6 weeks in the bush	1 year deployment	Back on Base for Happy Hour
Boon Dockers	Jump Boots	Birkenstocks
Low Quarters	Plastic Shoes	Patent Leather Pumps
SEAL	SF/Ranger	Librarian
Shore Patrol / MPs	MPs	SF
Oouh-Rah!	Hoo-ah!	Hip-Hip hurray!
MRE	MRE	Happy Meal
Salute	Salute	Wave
Obstacle Course	Confidence Course	Class 6 Parking Lot
Grinder / Drill Field	Parade Field	Lounger with umbrella
Ge-Dunk	Snack Bar	Chuck E. Cheese
PT Test	APFT	"No conversion available"
Dept. of the Navy	DoD	DoD Lite
Midshipman	Cadet	Debutant
Hard-Core	Strak	"Way Too Serious"
24/7	24/7	9 - 4
Swabbie	Grunt	Preppie

NEW US STOCK MARKET TERMS

>
> CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
>
> CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
>
> BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to
> mistake himself for a financial genius.
>
> BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
> allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
>
> VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
>
> P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as
> the market keeps crashing.
>
> BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
>
> STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
>
> STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
>
> STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
> assets equally between themselves.
>
> MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
>
> CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down
> the toilet.
>
> YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for
> $240 per share.
>
> WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who
> bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
>
> INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up
> in a nuthouse.
>
> PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

LITTLE BOYS ARE EVIL BY NATURE

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?' Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked,

'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease.. and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!