Purina Diet

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Repeat After Me!

Thanks, Nancy.

Repeat after Me!!!!!!

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN,

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN,

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN,

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!!!

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN,

I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN,

Senility

Thanks, Ted and Priscilla.


God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older, (but refuse to grow up) here's what I discovered:
I started out with nothing and still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into All Bran
I thank God for a movement.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart!
Funny, I don't remember beign absentmided. Funny, I don't remember being absentmided
but my kids tel me I am. Absent minded, H'mm!

If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.
It’s not hard to meet expenses - they are everywhere.

These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.
I go somewhere to get something
And then wonder what I'm here after?

Now I think you are supposed to send this to 4 or 5 or 6
or is it ten? Oh well!
Send it to a bunch of friends if you can remember who they are.

Rednecks are the best inventors

Here is another one of those funny(?) things passed around the internet.

Thanks, Art.

Tree Swing ..... Are these your neighbors?













Redneck cooler races: Now that's class. Notice that she is not spilling her beer.















Redneck windshield defroster:

















Redneck toilet paper holder:




















Redneck camper:















Redneck motorcycle mover:
















Redneck revenge prophecy:















Redneck motorcycle sidecar:

















Redneck computer chair: Beer and a toilet at your desk... why leave work?















Redneck discus: toilet seat cover















Redneck ice fishing:















Redneck swamp bike:















And everyone's favorite ... A Redneck Wedding:













(ummm, is that a mermaid on the far left? .... she is even pulling the top to keep it down)

Don't laugh. . . you know you are related to these people somehow!