9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. !

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for t! h e mean i ng of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

Gentle thoughts for today.

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
>
A penny saved is a government oversight.
>
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
>
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
>
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
>
He who hesitates is probably right.
>
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
>
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
>
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
>
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
>
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
>
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"
>
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Subject: 60+

Here is a Q&A for the over sixty crowd:

Q: Where can men or women over the age of 60 find young, sexy members of the opposite sex who are sexually interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction
>
Q: My wife is going through menopause. What can I do?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
>
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
>
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
>
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
>
Q : As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
>
Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
>
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'I remember these. ¢

Redneck Fashion

Yes, the new one is out!

Brand new edition of...

'You know you're a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly

swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work bench .

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want

it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean ?

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father

made it

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip'

on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of

improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it w as this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?

"A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22)

Military Humor

A couple of good ones here.

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, 'Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons.'

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, ' Admiral , United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges.'

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, ' Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.

-----------------------------------------------------------

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. 'Your jeep stuck, sir?' asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. 'Nope,' replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, 'Yours is.'

-----------------------------------------------------------

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.

Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, 'Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.' Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, 'What do you want?'

'Nothing important, sir,' the airman replied, 'I'm just here to hook up your telephone.'

----------------------------------------------------------

Officer: 'Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?'

Soldier: 'Sure, buddy.'

Officer: 'That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?'

Soldier: 'No, SIR!'

-----------------------------------------------------------

An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The general shouted, 'Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!.' The sergeant turned to his barber and said, 'Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

----------------------------------------------------------

'Well,' snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, 'I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave.'

'Not me, Chief!' the seaman replied. 'Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!'

----------------------------------------------------------

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

'You 'have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. 'Zen, you should know enough to 'have your passport ready for inspection.'

The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'

'Impossible. You Americans always 'have to show your passports on arrival in France !'

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in '44 I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to.'

Military Humor