A thief in Paris ...

planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

I did what you told me...

I sent the email to 10 people like you said.

I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen

Golf is a Great Game

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer .

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks

"Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfec t before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."

A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work , and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.



SENIOR'S DAY AT THE COURSE

____Four Worms and a lesson____

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would

add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.


Four worms were placed into four separate jars.


The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service --

THE AFGHAN QUARTERBACK....

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders.
The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't
find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young
Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade
straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another grenade
from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!" So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the
great game of football .. and sure enough the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the Coach
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You have
disappointed us. You are not my son!"

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won
the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts, "at this very moment there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.
Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get assaulted!"

The old lady pauses, then tearfully says,
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland"!

Retired Marine

Ol' Tom was in his mid 50's, retired from his 30 years in the U.S. Marine Corps, started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, extremely sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic; and you do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is really quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's
odd though, you're coming in late so often. I know you're retired
from a lifelong career with the Marines.

What did they say if you came in late there?"

They always said, "Good morning, General."

The Lawn Mower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.


Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.


I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."


The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

RETIREMENT BONUS

If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and non coms and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

> The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

> The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

> The third one was a non commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they

> decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

> The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
 
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.  

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
 
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail this web site address to them!

The NIght Light

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Bill, everything looks great How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Bill replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off. "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bill's wife. "Ethel,"he says "Bill is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Two patients....

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the old head, I don't know what does!

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same

complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time slot booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an
appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet..............!

Heres ten I don't care who ya are jokes.

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.


4. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.


5. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.


6. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.


7. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.


8. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.


9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.


10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.