Teachers & Cops:

Thanks, Orv.

These  are actual comments made on students' report cards by  teachers in the New  York City  public school system. 

All  teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these  funny!)

1.  Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom  and has started to dig.

  

2.  I would not allow this student to  breed.

  

3.  Your child has delusions of  adequacy.

   

4.  Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (a  favorite...)

5.  Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently  fails to achieve them.

6.  The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic  thing to hold it all  together. 

7.  This child has been working with glue too  much.

8.  When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should  sell.

9.  The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train  isn't coming..

10.  If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be  watered twice a week.

11.  It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this  child beat out 1,000,000  others.

12.  The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely  dead.

These  are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The  comments were taken off actual police car videos around  the country:

1.  "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one  you just went through."

2.  "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll stretch after you wear them a  while."

3.  "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth  certificate a worthless  document."

4.  "If you run, you'll only go to jail  tired."

5.  "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because  that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing  you."

6.  "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that  means I can write anything I want to on the ticket,  huh?"

7.  "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I  don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the  shift supervisor?"

8.  "Warning! You want a warning?  O.K, I'm warning you not to  do that again or I'll give you another  ticket."

9.  "The answer to this last question will determine whether  you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a  dog?"

10.  "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place  where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn  dogs and step in monkey  poop."

11.  "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets  a toaster oven."

12.  "In God we trust; all others we run through  NCIC."

13.  "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you  had?"

14.  "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now  we're allowed to write as many tickets as we  can."

15.  "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal  friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your  bail."

AND  THE WINNER IS....

16.  "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're  right, we don't.. Sign here."

Socrates

Thanks, Vern.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

5 NUNS IN A BAR

Sisters Mary  Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose  Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a  trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City  and were sightseeing on a Tuesday in July. It was  hot and humid in town and their traditional garb  was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to  stop in at Patty McGuire's  Pub for a cold soft drink. 

Patty had  recently added special legs to  his barstools, which were the talk  of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5  Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their  Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty  entered the bar through the front door.  

They, too, came for a cold drink when they  were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.

  

(SCROLL DOWN)   

Too  cute not to share................

  

  

GIVE  US A SENSE OF HUMOR, LORD, 

GIVE US  THE GRACE TO SEE A JOKE, 

TO GET SOME HUMOR OUT  OF LIFE, 

AND PASS IT ON TO  OTHER FOLK 

'Every Day Above  Ground ... Is A Good Day' 

How to Start a Fight.

Thanks, Vern

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
 ________________________________

My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 

'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
 ________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
 "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
 He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
 ________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
 "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
 "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

 ________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.

Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
 ________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

 She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
 ________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
 ________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
 ________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
 ________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
 I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
 I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
 And then the fight started.........