Teachers & Cops:

Thanks, Orv.

These  are actual comments made on students' report cards by  teachers in the New  York City  public school system. 

All  teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these  funny!)

1.  Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom  and has started to dig.

  

2.  I would not allow this student to  breed.

  

3.  Your child has delusions of  adequacy.

   

4.  Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (a  favorite...)

5.  Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently  fails to achieve them.

6.  The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic  thing to hold it all  together. 

7.  This child has been working with glue too  much.

8.  When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should  sell.

9.  The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train  isn't coming..

10.  If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be  watered twice a week.

11.  It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this  child beat out 1,000,000  others.

12.  The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely  dead.

These  are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The  comments were taken off actual police car videos around  the country:

1.  "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one  you just went through."

2.  "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll stretch after you wear them a  while."

3.  "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth  certificate a worthless  document."

4.  "If you run, you'll only go to jail  tired."

5.  "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because  that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing  you."

6.  "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that  means I can write anything I want to on the ticket,  huh?"

7.  "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I  don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the  shift supervisor?"

8.  "Warning! You want a warning?  O.K, I'm warning you not to  do that again or I'll give you another  ticket."

9.  "The answer to this last question will determine whether  you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a  dog?"

10.  "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place  where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn  dogs and step in monkey  poop."

11.  "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets  a toaster oven."

12.  "In God we trust; all others we run through  NCIC."

13.  "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you  had?"

14.  "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now  we're allowed to write as many tickets as we  can."

15.  "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal  friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your  bail."

AND  THE WINNER IS....

16.  "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're  right, we don't.. Sign here."

CDC Alert

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Old Lady

A walker noticed an old lady sitting on her front step, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said.

"Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.

Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.

On week-ends, I pop pills, get laid, and do no other exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Twenty-four," she replied.

NO JOKE about Virus

I received this from a friend and also checked snopes. It is real.

PLEASE FORWARD!!!!

Hi All,
I checked with Norton Anti-Virus, and they are gearing up for this virus!

I checked snopes.com , and it is for real!! http://www.snopes.com/computer/virus/postcard.asp


Get this E-mail message sent around to your contacts ASAP.

PLEASE FORWARD THIS WARNING AMONG FRIENDS, FAMILY AND CONTACTS!

You should be alert during the next few days. Do not open any message with an attachment entitled 'Invitation' OR ONE CALLED 'POSTCARD,'
regardless of who sent it to you. It is a virus which opens an Olympic Torch OR A POSTCARD IMAGE, which 'burns' the whole hard disc C of your computer. This virus will be received from someone
who has your e-mail address in his/her contact list.


This is the reason why you need to send this e-mail to all your contacts. It is better to receive this message 25 times than to receive the virus and open it.

If you receive a mail called 'Invitation' even though sent to you by a friend, do not open it. Shut down your computer immediately.

This is the worst virus announced by CNN. It has been classified by Microsoft as the most destructive virus ever. This virus was discovered by McAfee yesterday, and there is no repair yet for
this kind of virus. This virus simply destroys the Zero Sector of the Hard Disc, where the vital information is kept.

COPY THIS E-MAIL, AND SEND IT TO YOUR FRIENDS. REMEMBER: IF YOU SEND IT TO THEM, YOU WILL BENEFIT ALL OF US.

Where'd That Word Come From?

Have you ever been fascinated with the origin of words?

I hope you will enjoy the following information a friend sent me.

Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called "pygg." When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as "pygg banks." When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches, while pennies and nickels do not?
A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.

Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

Q: Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called "passing the buck"?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would "pass the buck" to the next player.

Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would then just touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be "in the limelight"?
A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theater, performers on stage "in the limelight" were seen by the audience to be the center of attention.

Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use "mayday" as their call for help?
A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -- meaning "help me" -- and is pronounced "mayday."

Q: Why is someone who is feeling great "on cloud nine"?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called "love"?
A: In France, where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called "l'oeuf," which is French for "egg." When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans pronounced it "love."

Q: In golf, where did the term "caddie" come from?
A. When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl (for education & survival), Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot game "golf." So he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her.
In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into "caddie."

You are now well-informed!