How Now Blue Cow

The place I post funnies, so they can be deleted from my email.....

Friday, June 25, 2010


Thanks, Vern P.

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut


Saturday, June 19, 2010

The Best Divorce Letter, ever!

My Dear husband:

I'm writing  this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Wife. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to Invercargill together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten pork for 7 years. About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the 20 million dollar Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.


Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Anger Management

Thanks, Grier.

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to  take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, Take it  out on someone you don't know, But you know deserves  it.
I was sitting at my desk when  I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.  I found the  number and dialed it. A man answered, saying  'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak  with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic  voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' And the phone  was slammed down on me.
I  couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.  When I tracked down  Robyn's correct number to call her,  I found that I had  accidentally transposed the last two digits.  After hanging up with  her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number  again.
When the same guy answered the  phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number  down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk  drawer.

Every couple of weeks, When I was paying  bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an  asshole!' It always cheered me up.
When  Caller ID was  introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' Calling would have to  stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone  company.  I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.

I quickly  called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' And hung  up   

One day I was at the store, Getting  ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW Cut me off  and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.  I hit the  horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot  ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote  down his number.
A couple of days later, Right after calling the  first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd  better call the BMW asshole, too.
I  said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes,  it is.'
I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said,  'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd  in  Fairfax . It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in  front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Don  Hansen,'   
I asked, 'When's a good time  to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after  five'.
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said,  'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!' Then I hung up, and added  his number to my speed dial,  too.
Now, when I had a  problem, I had two assholes to call.  Then I came up with an  idea.  I called asshole # 1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an  asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?' I  said, 'Yeah!'
He screamed,'Stop calling me!'
I said, 'Make  me!'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don  Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'Asshole, I  live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax  ,
A yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He  said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying  your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole!' and  hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. He  said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole!'
He yelled, 'If I  ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He  exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass!'
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's  your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I  lived at  34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax , and that I was on my way  over there to kill my gay lover.  Then I called Channel 9 News  about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in  Fairfax.
I quickly got into  my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two  assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an  overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I  feel much better. 
Anger management really does  work.