Teachers & Cops:

Thanks, Orv.

These  are actual comments made on students' report cards by  teachers in the New  York City  public school system. 

All  teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these  funny!)

1.  Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom  and has started to dig.

  

2.  I would not allow this student to  breed.

  

3.  Your child has delusions of  adequacy.

   

4.  Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (a  favorite...)

5.  Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently  fails to achieve them.

6.  The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic  thing to hold it all  together. 

7.  This child has been working with glue too  much.

8.  When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should  sell.

9.  The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train  isn't coming..

10.  If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be  watered twice a week.

11.  It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this  child beat out 1,000,000  others.

12.  The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely  dead.

These  are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The  comments were taken off actual police car videos around  the country:

1.  "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one  you just went through."

2.  "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll stretch after you wear them a  while."

3.  "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth  certificate a worthless  document."

4.  "If you run, you'll only go to jail  tired."

5.  "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because  that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing  you."

6.  "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that  means I can write anything I want to on the ticket,  huh?"

7.  "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I  don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the  shift supervisor?"

8.  "Warning! You want a warning?  O.K, I'm warning you not to  do that again or I'll give you another  ticket."

9.  "The answer to this last question will determine whether  you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a  dog?"

10.  "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place  where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn  dogs and step in monkey  poop."

11.  "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets  a toaster oven."

12.  "In God we trust; all others we run through  NCIC."

13.  "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you  had?"

14.  "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now  we're allowed to write as many tickets as we  can."

15.  "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal  friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your  bail."

AND  THE WINNER IS....

16.  "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're  right, we don't.. Sign here."

Socrates

Thanks, Vern.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.