Gridiron Witties

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Gridiron Witties
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(This is all about football and it is about life too)

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Quotes from past gridiron legends have added to football's lore and should be passed on to today's youth to increase their wisdom. (These are good)

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#1. 'Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas ' Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.

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#2. 'After you retire, there's only one big event left... and I ain't ready for that.' Bobby Bowden / Florida State

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#3. 'The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.' Lou Holtz / Arkansas

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#4. 'When you win, nothing hurts.' Joe Namath / Alabama

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#5. 'Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated.' Lou Holtz / Arkansas

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#6. 'If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, 'Roll, tide, roll!' Bear Bryant / Alabama

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#7. 'A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.' Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

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#8. 'There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.' Woody Hayes / Ohio State

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#9. 'I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.' Bob Devaney / Nebraska

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#10. 'In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant.' Wally Butts / Georgia

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#11. 'You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life.' Paul Dietzel / LSU

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#12. 'It's kind of hard to rally around a math class.' Bear Bryant / Alabama

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#13. When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world. 'No, but you can see it from here.' Lou Holtz / Arkansas.

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#14. 'I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.' Bear Bryant / Alabama

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#15. 'There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the goal line.' Matty Bell / SMU

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#16. 'Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died.' Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

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#17. 'I never graduated from Iowa , but I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's.' Alex Karras / Iowa

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#18. 'My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.' Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

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#19. 'I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.' Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

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#20. 'Always remember... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.' Shug Jordan / Auburn

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#21. 'They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces.' Darrell Royal / Texas

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#22. 'Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure.' Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

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#23. 'They whipped us like a tied up goat.' Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

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#24. 'I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: 'Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good.' Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State< /I>

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#25. 'Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel.' Bobby Bowden / Florida State

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#26. 'Football is not a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.' Vince Lombardi, Green Bay Packers

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#27. After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team: 'All those who need showers, take them.' John McKay / USC

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#28. 'If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.' Murray Warmath / Minnesota

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#29. 'The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.' Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

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#30. 'Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon.' Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

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#31. 'It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it.' Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

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#32. 'We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.' Darrell Royal / Texas

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#33. 'We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking.' Wilson Matthews / Little Rock Central High School

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#34. 'Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad. Woody Hayes / Ohio State University

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#35. 'I've found that prayers work best when you have big players.' Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
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#36. 'Gentlemen, it is better to have died as a small boy than to fumble this football.' John Heisman AUBURN

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell . No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Actual call center conversations!

Yeah, you've probably seen these before, particularly the last one. Be we forewarned. You will find it difficult to keep from laughing.

>>> Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get

>>> through; can you help?'

>>> Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'

>>> Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'

>>> Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

>>>

>>> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

>>>

>>> Samsung Electronics

>>> Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

>>> Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking

>>> about.'

>>> Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states

>>> that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and

>>> telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for

>>> Jack?'

>>>

>>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

>>>

>>> Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )

>>> 'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I

>>> have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

>>>

>>> --------------------------------------------- -------------------------

>>>

>>> Directory Enquiries

>>> Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'

>>> Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the

>>> spelling is correct?'

>>> Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell

>>> off.'

>>>

>>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

>>>

>>> Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

>>> Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

>>> Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in

>>> Scotland '

>>>

>>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

>>>

>>> On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone

>>> box told a worried operator:

>>> 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number

>>> on.'

>>>

>>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

>>>

>>> Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'

>>> Customer: 'OK.'

>>> Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'

>>> Customer: 'No.'

>>> Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

>>> Customer: 'No.'

>>> Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up

>>> until this point?'

>>> Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote

>>> 'click'.'

>>>

>>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

>>>

>>> Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen,

>>> can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

>>> Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'

>>>

>>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

>>>

>>> Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized

>>> that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I

>>> get my file back again?'

>>>

>>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

>>>

>>> This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this

>>> guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from

>>> the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording

>>> monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help

>>> Desk employee was fired;

>>> however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for

>>> 'Termination without Cause.'

>>>

>>> Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

>>> (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

>>>

>>> Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

>>> Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

>>> Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

>>> Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the

>>> words went away.'

>>> Operator: 'Went away?'

>>> Caller: 'They disappeared.'

>>> Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'

>>> Caller: 'Nothing.'

>>> Operator: 'Nothing??'

>>> Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

>>> Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

>>> Caller: 'How do I tell?'

>>> Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??'

>>> Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

>>> Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

>>> Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept

>>> anything I type.'

>>> Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

>>> Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

>>> Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a

>>> TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'

>>> Caller: 'I don't know.'

>>> Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find

>>> where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

>>> Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

>>> Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's

>>> plugged into the wall.

>>> Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

>>> Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that

>>> there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

>>> Caller: 'No.'

>>> Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again

>>> and find the other cable.'

>>> Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

>>> Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely

>>> into the back of your computer.'

>>> Caller: 'I can't reach.'

>>> Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is??'

>>> Caller: 'No.'

>>> Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way

>>> over??'

>>> Caller: 'Well, it' s not because I don't have the right angle --

>>> it's because it's dark.'

>>> Operator: 'Dark??'

>>> Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have

>>> is coming in from the window.'

>>> Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

>>> Caller: 'I can't.'

>>> Operator: 'No? Why not??'

>>> Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

>>> Operator: 'A power .. A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it

>>> licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff

>>> that your computer came in??'

>>> Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

>>> Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up

>>> just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you

>>> bought it from.'

>>> Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

>>> Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

>>> Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

>>> Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!'

OLE AND LENA ARE HERE AGAIN

Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to
the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1. The Operator
said 'Where are you?' Ole answered, 'We were walking and Lena is on the
sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street .' The operator asked, 'How do you spell
that?' The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole.
She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and said, 'I
dragged h er over to Oak Street , that's O-A-K.'
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Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada
to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for
the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly, 'Last year we shot six and the pilot let
us put them all on board and he had the same plane as
yours.' Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However,
even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went
down a few moments after takeoff Climbing out of the wreck one Norski
asked the other, 'Any idea where we are?' 'Yaaah, I tink we's pretty
close to where we crashed last year.'
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Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, 'How long does
it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo ?' 'Yust a minute,' said the
busy clerk. 'Vell,' said Lena , 'if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll
yust take da bus.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena , who had charged
nonsupport. He said to Ole, 'I have decided to give your wife $400 a
month for support.' 'Vell, dat's fine, Judge,' smiled Ole. 'And vunce in
a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, 'Do ya know da difference between a
Norwegian and a canoe?' 'No, I don't,' answered Ole. 'A canoe will
sometimes tip,' explained Lars.
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Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled,
'Vell, Deere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lars: 'Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are
working.'
Ole: 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No..'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing
Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said,
'Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to.' So Ole drove to
Duluth

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole died So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the
obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his
condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena
replied, 'You yust put 'Ole died.''
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, 'That's it? Just 'Ole di ed.'?
Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If
it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We
must say something more.' So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally
said, ' OK. You put, Ole died. Boat for sale'
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Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along
bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a
long, dark tunnel. 'Have you eaten your banana yet?' Ole asked
excitedly. 'No,' replied Lars. 'Vell, don't touch it den,' Ole
exclaimed, 'I yust took vun bite and vent blind!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday A few weeks later, Lars
inquired how she was doing with it 'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persuaded her to
svitch to a clarinet.' 'How come?' asked Lars. 'Vell,' Ole answered,
'because vith a clarinet she can't sing .'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady
turned to Ole and asked, 'Are you a pole vaulter?' Ole replied, 'No, I'm
Norvegia n and my name ain't Valter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And dot's enough!