A great sign!

This sign is on a lawn in Jamestown, New York

Lie Detector

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.


One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
> It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Solving the Mid-life Crisis in all of us

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.

Now I have a $500,000 house, $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

More Maxine

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?

Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bedtime and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.


A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.'' <>

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.'

CHUCKLES FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERS .....

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
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Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
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For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but
when they go, they take your house and car.
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemo n grove
seemed way too qualified for the job.
'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual
experience in picking lemons?'
'Well, as a matter if fact, yes!' she replied.? 'I've
been divorced three times.'
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me
the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation,
'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.
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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old,' the husband said . 'We may not have 45 minutes.'
They were seated immediately.
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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride a s her father
escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a
wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
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A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
'Take the poison.'

A little Swedish/Norwegian humor

Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that said:

'DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'Leave us alone, you religious nuts!'

From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash... Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out'?'

GOLF AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right.

The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.'

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement

between two golfers ...neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons

Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....

#10... A below par performance is considered damned good.

#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7... Foursomes are encouraged.

#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5... Three times a day is possible.

#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone e lse.

#3... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.

#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason

why golf is better than sex.....

#1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

Laws of Life

*Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch
and/ or you'll have to pee.

*Law of the Workshop
*Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

*Law of Probability
*The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your act.

*Law of the Telephone
*If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

*Law of the Alibi
*If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat
tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

*Variation Law
*If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start
to move faster than the one you moved to.

*Law of Close Encounters
*The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when
you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

*Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

*Law of Biomechanics
*The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

*Law of the Theater
*At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive
last.

*Law of Coffee *
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you
to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

*Murphy's Law of Lockers
*If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent
lockers.

*Law of Rugs/Carpets
*The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a
floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet.

*Law of Location
*No matter where you go, there you are.

*Law of Logical Argument
*Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

*Brown's Law
*If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

*Oliver's Law
*A closed mouth gathers no feet.

*Wilson's Law
*As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop
making it.

*Doctors' Law
*If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the
time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and
you'll stay sick.

RETIREMENT

I've often been asked, 'what do you old guys do now that you're retired?'

Well, I have a friend who has a chemical background and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, scotch, and martinis into urine.

And, we're pretty damn good at it!!'

Why I was fired

For the last company picnic, management had decided that, due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per person. I was fired for ordering the cups.