LIVING IN NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. Jack noticed that the guy was moaning and shaking.

“What’s wrong?” asked Jack.

“I’ve been transferred to New Orleans, Louisiana," the guy answered. "There's crazy people in New Orleans. They have shootings, rapes, robberies, gangs, race riots, drugs . . . . the highest crime rate."

"Hold on," Jack interrupted. "I've lived there all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm the tail gunner on a Coca-Cola truck."

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill
them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I
Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With
That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and
Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going
on.

Kids say some very funny things

A little boy was in a relative's wedding.

As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

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One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.

The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

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One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

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A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.

Then something fell out of the Bible.

He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit".

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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

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Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.



Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked , "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

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A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.



Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

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A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.

They were ready to discuss the last one.

The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

Fractured Fairytales

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00 a.m.Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5:00 a.m.Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, Peter, Peter, something or other..."
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PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex.

Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gipettoto see if he could help.

Gipetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple weeks later, Gipetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
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MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIEMOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
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SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
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Did you know...Captain Hook died from jock itch?
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One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs.

"Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony.

Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan

They walk among Us

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.
Caution... They Walk Among Us!

====================
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said..."where???" They Walk among us!!
====================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk
Among Us!!

====================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . They Walk Among Us!!!

====================

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard
one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". They Walk Among
Us!!!!

====================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk... They Walk Among
Us!!!!!

====================

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... They Walk Among
Us!!!!!!

====================

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!

====================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?".. They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!

====================

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us .... and they Reproduce

Gosh, I hope that he's NOT on our flight!!

Teacher Arrested

NEW YORK, July 22 -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.

They use secret code names l ike 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer, Isosceles, used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.

Not for the squeamish!

Dog Pack kills Gator In Florida --

At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the "apex predator" in it's natural Eco-system, can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and "survival of the fittest pack mentality", bred into the canines over the last several hundreds of years by natural selection.

See the attached remarkable photograph courtesy of Nature Magazine.

Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while the remainder of the pack prevents the beast from rolling.

Can you guess which of the following are...

true and which are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Answers below...
>> >.
>> >.
>> >.
>> >.
>> >.
>> >.
>> >
They are all TRUE.... Now go back and think about #16!!!

Boudreaux & Band-Aids

Boudreaux (that's pronounced BOO-dro, for y'all not familiar with Louisiana) & Band-Aids

Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in he hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?"

Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"

"Well," Clotile said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly......


it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror

Actual label instructions on consumer goods

Today we have actual label instructions on consumer goods. It makes you wonder what incidents could have brought these labels about…

1. On a Sears’s hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.”
2. On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.”
3. On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
5. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.”
6. On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
7. On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.”
8. On Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: Contains nuts.”
9. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet. Eat nuts.”
10. On a child’s Superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”

Now who wants to argue about global warming?

Memorial services will be held at the Helen Keller/Stevie Wonder Funeral Home....

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?

The bar falls deadly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, I think it is only fair,given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde biker girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weightlifter

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man shakes his head and mutters, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Water and wine Education

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of

Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine, beer (or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Poo
WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself of Poo,

drink WINE!!!

It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I am doing it as a public service.

Have a niceday...

Doctor Dave

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and he felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave." But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:




Dave............
Dave............
Dave............







"You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard"

CLASS PROJECT GONE WRONG

*warning---if you are drinking coffee, swallow it now*
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An elementary school class started a class project to make planters to take home to their parents.

They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so they decided to use cactus plants.

The students were given green-ware pottery planters in the shape of clowns which they painted with glaze.

The clown planters were professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process. It was great fun!

They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely, but unfortunately, the children were not allowed to take them home.

The cactus plants were removed and small ivy replaced them and the children were then allowed to take them home instead.

The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea at the time!

May the rest of your day be the best of your day!

Be who you are
say what you feel
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind.

~ Dr. Seuss ~

Doctors! Some Bubba humor!

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.

Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.

How much do you charge? Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.

I'll sleep on it, said Bubba. Six months later the doctor meets Bubba on the street.

Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having? asked the psychiatrist.

Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money. A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup.

Is that so? And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?

He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't anybody under there now!

Doctors! Some Bubba humor!

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.

Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.

How much do you charge? Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.

I'll sleep on it, said Bubba. Six months later the doctor meets Bubba on the street.

Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having? asked the psychiatrist.

Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money. A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup.

Is that so? And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?

He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't anybody under there now!