How to Start a Fight.

Thanks, Vern

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
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My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 

'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
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I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
 "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
 He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
 "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
 "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.

Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
 ________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

 She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
 ________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
 ________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
 ________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
 I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
 I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
 And then the fight started.........

Warm Milk

Thanks, Ted and Priscilla.

In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.
 
The nuns gathered around her bed
 
trying to make her last journey comfortable.
 
They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
 
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.
 
Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
 
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips.
 
The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew   it,  she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
 
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
 
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly,
 
"Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."
 
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:
 
"Don't sell that cow."

Comments made in the year 1955!

Thanks, Jim W

(That's 55 years ago!) 




'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way 
they are, it's going to be impossible 
to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.




'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a 
used one.



'If cigarettes keep going up in price, 
I'm going to quit.
A quarter a pack is ridiculous!

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about 
charging a dime just to mail a letter? 



'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, 
Nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store. ' 



'When I first started driving, 
Who would have thought gas would someday cost 29cents a gallon.. 
Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.



'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.
Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 
DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND,  
It seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.



'I read the other day where some scientist thinks 
it's possible to put a man on the moon by the 
end of the century. 
They even have some fellows they call astronauts 
preparing for it down in Texas .



'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a 
contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? 
It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be 
making more than the President.





'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen 
appliances would be electric.  
They are even making electric typewriters now.



'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays.. 
I see where a few married women are having to work 
to make ends meet.



'It won't be long before young couples are going to 
have to hire someone 
to watch their kids so they can both work.



'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the 
door to a whole lot of foreign business.



'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the 
Government takes half our income in taxes. 
I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best 
people to congress.



'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, 
But I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.



'There is no sense going to Lincoln 
or Omaha anymore for a weekend, 
It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.





'No one can afford to be sick anymore, 
At $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for 
my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'



Know any friends who would get a kick out of these, pass this on!

Only a farm kid

When you're from the country, your perception is a little different. 

 

A farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your Dad home?" "No sir, he isn't; he went to town." "Well, is your Mother here?" "No sir, she went to town with Dad." "How about your brother Howard? Is he here?" "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad." The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." "Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.  It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."' The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that.  I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married..
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

Can I get an AMEN!!