HOLY HUMOR

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,

"I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know'

what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands

for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'


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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible

to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

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"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.

There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning,

Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say,

"Good Lord, it's morning."

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because

he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have

circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my

appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with

this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket

I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to

his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is,

we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad

news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because

attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy

efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.

Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long

holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many

cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant

pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems

as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my

business."

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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center

of attention.

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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the

lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor

stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday

school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask

the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting

for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that

the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the

last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to

think of something to play after I make the announcement about the

finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters,

we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we

expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100

or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "O Canada."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

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Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!

Why Our Country's in Trouble

DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble! 1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!) 2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.'' Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.'' Her response - click. 3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's ! not poss ible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG) 4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!) A 05. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I hea rd Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh) 6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that. 7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was ju! st putti ng a destination tag on her luggage. C2 8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?'' 9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, ''How do I know which plane20to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'' 10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!'' 11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ''Look, I've been to China four times. and every time they have accepted my American Express!'' 12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to R hino, New York.'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' ''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and ca! n't find a rhino anywhere.' ''The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'' Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! Could anyone be this DUMB? YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED!

The Humorous Quotes Of Notables ..

Sometimes, when I look at my children,
I say to myself, 'Barbara, you should have remained a virgin.'
-- Barbara Bush (mother of G.W.)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:
'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- - Victor Borge

B e careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the
aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older,
it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
---Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

Give me a sense of humor, Lord;
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

Funny~ Funny! for Today

1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.



He acquired his size from too much pi.



2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,

but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



3. She was only a whisky maker,

but he loved her still.



4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because

it was a weapon of math disruption.



5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder

and got a little behind in his work.



6. No matter how much you push the envelope,

it'll still be stationery.



7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road

and was cited for littering.



8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in

Linoleum Blownapart.



9. Two silk worms had a race.

They ended up in a tie.



10. Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.



11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.

The police are looking into it.



12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.

One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'



14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.



15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'



16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,

a nurse said, 'No change yet.'



17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.



18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle,

he just didn't have the balls to do it.



19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was

a small medium at large.



20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



21. A backward poet writes inverse.



22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.

In feudalism it's your count that votes.



23. When cannibals ate a missionary,

they got a taste of religion.



24. Don't join dangerous cults:

Practice safe sects!

And They Ask And They Ask ...

Why I Like Retirement !!!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday


Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.


Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.


Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.


Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.


Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.


Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
A nswer: They are the only ones who have the time.


Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!


Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.



Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.


And, my very favorite....

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.



SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visi t me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing