WHAT IS RETIREMENT?

I've often been asked, 'what do you old guys do now that you're retired?'

Well, I have a friend who has a chemical background and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, and martinis into urine.

And, we're pretty damned good at it!!'

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVISORY

I'’ve never seen ‘truth’ presented in such an honest, sincere and succinct manner…

-- --

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask
your doctor or pharmacist about Red Wine.

Red Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better
and more confident about yourself and your actions.
Red Wine can help ease you out of your shyness
and let you tell the world that you're ready and
willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Red Wine almost
immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you
can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from
living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past
and you will discover many talents you never knew
you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with Red Wine.

Red Wine may not be right for everyone.

Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use
Red Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting,
incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control,
loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache,
dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke
and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or
Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNING:
The consumption of Red Wine may make you think
you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING:
The consumption of Red Wine is a major factor in
dancing like an idiot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of Red Wine may cause you to tell
your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of Red Wine may cause you to
think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of Red Wine may lead you to believe
that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at
four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of Red Wine may make you think you
can logically converse with members of the opposite sex
without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of Red Wine may create the
illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better
looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE
WITH RED WINE!!!

Things Learned Visiting Texas

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas .

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Texas , plus a couple no one's seen before.

4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5. "Onced" and "Twiced" are words.

6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

7. "Jaw-P?" means "Did ya'll go to the bathroom?"

8. People actually grow and eat okra.

9. "Fixinto" is one word. As in, “I’m fixinto go to the store in a minute.”

10. There is no such thing as "lunch". There is only dinner and then there is supper.

11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. Teas is always sweet. Texans do seem to like a little tea in their sugar.

12. Backwards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

13. The word "jeet" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.

16. "No. Jew?" is a common response to the question "Did you bring any beer?"

17. You measure distance in minutes.

18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

20. You know what a "DAWG" is.

21. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.

22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tony's, Tabasco and Ketchup.

23. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip.

24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a bit warm".

26. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

27. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time know as "goin' Wal-Martin" or "off to Wally World".

28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather.

29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

30. We don't need no dang driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit.

31. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Texas friends and those who just wish they were from Texas.

32. When asked what kinda coke you want the proper response is dr pepper.

TICK WARNING!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings; I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally...but this one is real, and it's important.
Please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up in the air,DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.


I wish I'd gotten this yesterday...I feel so damn stupid!

Pertinent Thoughts for Today -

Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . . . . . . . . AMEN!

Sad but true

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL, YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED
BOY, WITH THE SAME NAME, HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED FAIRVIEW HIGH SCHOOL.

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A BULLDOG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT THE SOB ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???