AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a three minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

6. Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools:
WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan

ALLIGATOR SHOES

A blonde was on vacation in the Florida Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way but was reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own damned alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile: "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he pulled over to the side of the levee where he spotted that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot-long gator swimming rapidly toward the blonde. With lightning speed, she took aim, fired, killed the gator and hauled it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures, all belly-up.

As the shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement, the blonde struggled and fliped the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward and in great frustration, she shouted out:

"Rats! This one's barefoot, too!"